Still healing #2

I have been wanting to post another healing update for some time now. Focusing on the transformation I have gone through over the last 13 years, both in terms of physical health, as well as the very pillars of how I have constructed my life in the past. โ˜บ๏ธ

I do this because I want to be open and transparent about the experiences in my life, some of which may not be readily apparent (or perhaps even understandable) to outsiders, while others may even be diametrically opposed to what one would expect from a "conventional point of view". ๐Ÿ™ƒ๏ธ


"Transformation has been a faithful companion for as long as I can remember."

I have always been keen to identify areas in my life (both personal and professional) that need improvement, and then consistently change and improve on them. Transformation has been a faithful companion for as long as I can remember. The goal of a peaceful, fulfilled life, not only for myself but for all living things, always in focus. ๐Ÿ˜‡๏ธ

Back to where it all began

When I met my wife Mรณnica back in 2010 we pretty much from the get go supercharged each other's quest to improve the inner and outer circumstances in our lives with the power and excitement of our love. ๐Ÿฅฐ๏ธ ๐Ÿฅณ๏ธ

Mรณnica played an important role in many of my personal challenges along the way, as we really walked hand in hand through most of them. And as much as she walked my path with me, I walked hers with her. We invested all our love and wisdom to help each other flourish. ๐Ÿฅฐ๏ธ And although that's another story, I can not stress enough how much I have learnt from her and how I probably would not have got this far without her.

A journey worth taking

"I learned that my inner drive to be full of love for everyone and everything did not necessarily include myself."

An incredible amount of transformation has happened for me since 2010. A seemingly never-ending string of habits and compulsions have been identified, worked on, unlearned and/or transformed. Many traumas and fears were resolved too. And finally, a whole bunch of newly acquired knowledge has been integrated. ๐Ÿค“๏ธ

Theese are some of the (chronologically ordered) "milestones":

  • I have completely eliminated artificial drinks from my life in 2010.
  • After being brought up vegetarian, I went vegan in 2011, then raw vegan in 2012, salt-free in 2021 and am now (after many cycless of back and forth) happily on a 100% fruit-based diet.
  • I sold my car and switched to walking and cycling in 2016.
  • With an upgraded perspective on life, I radically switched my entire computer life to open source and Linux in 2020. ๐Ÿค“๏ธ
  • After having worked in the computer field for close to 30 years, I learned the 10-finger system in 2021 (which I still sometimes feel scourged by). ๐Ÿ˜‚๏ธ
  • After 25 years of self-employment, I closed kubus media in 2021.
  • In 2022 I delved deep into anxieties and compulsions (see mindmap below) and found that I was (and to some extent still am) full of them.
  • I learned that my inner drive to be full of love for everyone and everything did not necessarily include myself.
  • I concluded several fasts, the longest and most intense being 60 days of double-filtered fruit juices.
  • Last but not least, my wife and I have moved to Thailand in 2023 to pursue our dream of living in harmony with nature and becoming self-sufficient (water, power, food) in the long term. ๐Ÿฅณ๏ธ
Anxieties and compulsions mindmap

One of the mindmaps I created after the closure of kubus media with the help of my wife as a groundwork for dealing with my anxieties and compulsions.

The gain

  • I have lost 55 kilos of excess weight.
  • I banished chronic frontal sinusitis and a permanently stuffy nose.
  • I am free of nearly daily headaches and stomach aches.
  • I do not have back pain anymore.
  • I no longer sweat at night and my sweat now smells neutral or even slightly sweet.
  • I have been able to revitalize my tissues and joints with the help of urine or plasma therapy and with this practice also eliminated many other nagging minor ailments.
  • I haven't had a cold or anything alike in years.
  • I feel less dominated by social systems such as days of the week, time, money, etc.
  • I am more spontaneous and less afraid of humankind.
  • I enjoy an increased zest for life, improved health, and greater self-awareness as well as an ever growing trust in creation. โ˜บ๏ธ

Bottom line:

In many ways I truly feel like I have been given a new body and I am very grateful for that. I am happy to have learned that I inhabit a magical and self healing vehicle. ๐Ÿ˜œ๏ธ I also live much more consciously now, realizing what is good for me and what is not. โ˜บ๏ธ

The pain

On the other hand, I have often found myself feeling challenged to the edge of what seemed possible for me during this process. Physically mostly by strong and unpleasant detoxification symptoms, mentally by severe anxiety attacks due to letting go of a whole bunch of things at the same time. And lately by the fact that I still have not mastered to heal my inguinal hernia (more on that below). ๐Ÿ˜ž๏ธ

Work in progress

"Health as in truly flawless operation is my default state (as well as everyone else's!)."

To say it in advance: despite many wonderful achievements, I feel like I am still very much in the middle of the process and in a sometimes somewhat difficult state. ๐Ÿ˜…๏ธ

Because of that circumstance some of my family and friends around last year have been (or still are) concerned about my health. Some saw me struggling to get even basic tasks such as climbing stairs done elegantly. ๐Ÿ˜†๏ธ

And I still on some days have poor balance, feel weak and complain about numbness and pain in arms, hands, legs and feet. ๐Ÿซฃ๏ธ

So, it is really not hard for me to understand that peoople close to me may suspect that there's something wrong with me, that my chosen pattern of getting back in shape might not be ideal, that I could soffer from deficiencies or some kind of disease as the cause for me not thriving fully (yet). And because they love me (I love them too, by the way!), naturally they recommend that I see a doctor over it or have hernia repair (more on that below). โ˜บ๏ธ

However, I have not seen a doctor for decades by choice and would like to avoid such a dependency in my life whenever possible. Because, without wanting to sweep everyone working in the health care industry of our modern society under the same carpet, I consider much of what goes on there to be pretty much the opposite of what I deem useful to achieve or sustain health.

Because, you see, I experience myself as a fundamentally self-reliant and self-sufficient organism. Health as in truly flawless operation is my default state (as well as everyone else's!) and what is considered sickness actually is the opposite, it is the body's attempt of returning to its natural state, which is perfect health. The way I see it, in order for anyone to achieve perfect health there is no need to do anything really. One simply would have to recognize their wrongdoings (many of which are considered "normal" from a societal point of view, and some of which are anything but easy to let go of too) and stop repeating them. Then, the body (like everything else in nature) would return to its natural, perfect state, which (again) is health. ๐Ÿ˜‡๏ธ

The thing is, according to everything I have identified as bad for me so far, I now life a comparatively good lifestyle while my body is still busy coping with the effects of my previous, significantly less ideal lifestyle. And in essence (IMHO) I can't really do anything but to trust the process, to trust myself, to trust in nature. The hardest part about that is that one needs to do so without actually knowing what the body is doing or will do next. ๐Ÿคญ๏ธ

So, where am I now?

"If I eat little, I feel better and stronger. If I eat a lot, I feel worse and weaker."

Some days I feel incredibly good. Happy, strong, bubbling over with joy and excitement for life. On such days I feel better than I have felt in a very, very long time.

However, not all days are like that. Sometimes I really do not feel that well, weak and am suffering from a number of symptoms (see below). On such days it can be difficult to maintain the mentioned trust in myself.

Here are some of the things my body still seems to be working on:

  • I sometimes feel exhausted quickly, with burning sensations in my muscles even after mild activities.
  • My arms, hands, legs and feet as well as my organs are often numb to a certain degree.
  • Sometimes my arms and hands are hurting to a degree that I find it difficult or impossible to get any work done (especially interacting with the computer).
  • My balance is at times poor so that I have to take steps (or object I grab) consciously in my mind. If I fail to concentrate, I risk falling, catching my feet on the smallest objects or things falling out of my hands.
  • My elimination is at times rather slow. In rare cases this can cause constipation with unpleasant side-effects such as bleeding gums, inflamed, swollen arms and legs and in rare cases even abdominal pain so severe that I cannot stand upright.
  • Sometimes I can only go to the toilet with the help of enemas.

In principle, I clearly see that the above, physical symptoms (surely emotional effects such as frustration, anger and despair play a role too) are directly related to the level of fullness in my bowels. In other words, if I eat little, I feel better and stronger. If I eat a lot, I feel worse and weaker.

However, we are in Thailand now, surrounded by the most delicious fruits I ever tasted and in such an environment and considering the will power and energy it already took to get to where I am today it is double the challenge for me to now reduce the amount of fruits I eat daily. ๐Ÿ˜‹๏ธ

From everything I have experienced in the past these symptoms are due to the still unfolding effects of losing so much weight or waste (55 kilos) in such a short time (60 days). The body might be still very much in detoxification mode.

My diet high in liquids and low in fat (I only eat fruit nowadays and practice daily intermittent fasting until 4pm) further supports this, by giving the body room to break down the last remnants of toxins, fat deposits, unhealthy tissues, muqoid plaque rather than having to deal with metabolism related tasks all day long. And unfortunately detoxification can be unpleasant and cause all kinds of symptoms that aren't easy to pinpoint (let alone understand) in some circumstances.

I must also add that some of these symptoms have become significantly less intensive (or frequent) over time. Just a few months ago, I was doing "worse" overall than I am doing today. ๐Ÿฅณ๏ธ


The process is not yet complete, but the points in the overview below make it clear (at least to me) that I have come a long way already. ๐Ÿ˜Š๏ธ

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™ƒ
Body weight of +/- 20 kg/m2 Excess skin
Salt free, raw and 100% fruit based diet Impaired balance
No more chronically inflamed sinuses Partial numbness in arms, hands, legs, feet etc.
No more chronic abdominal pain Slow elimination
No more chronic headaches Little strength reserves
No more back pain Few muscles
No more joint pain -
No more skin impurities -
Significantly less body exhalations -
Upright posture -
Less anxiety -
Fewer compulsions -
Increased self-confidence -

What I eat in a day

I only eat once a day around 4 in the afternoon.

Here's what a typical dinner looks like at the moment:

  • 2 to 4 mangoes
  • 3 to 4 young coconuts (sometimes consuming the coconut meat too, sometimes drinking only the water)
  • 2 to 3 small bananas
  • 1 papaya (or watr melon, or even a durian on special days!) ๐Ÿ˜‹๏ธ
  • 2 to 3 passion fruits
  • On some days I add raw coconut yogurt or smaller fruit like Longan, Rambutan Longkong etc. and occasionaly even some avocado tomato and raw seeds or sprouts too.

The inguinal hernia

What is an inguinal hernia?

An inguinal hernia is a protrusion of abdominal cavity contents through the inguinal canal. A bulging area becomes larger when bearing down. The main concern is strangulation, where the blood supply to part of the intestine is blocked.

I originally got the hernia at the age of 13 while lifting furniture and over straining my core muscles, which were underdeveloped then as they are now. Because of this I had hernia repair in 1994 with a total extra peritoneal mesh implantation (see below), as a result of which I suffered for years from severe pain to a point where I would faint from it regularly. ๐Ÿ˜ตโ€๐Ÿ’ซ๏ธ

The post operational symptoms went away over time. However, a few years ago the hernia ruptured a second time when I (again) over strained the capacity of my core muscles with lifting furniture. My bad. ๐Ÿซค๏ธ I forgive myself, but wow. ๐Ÿ˜ž๏ธ

Over the past years I have taken countless online courses on self-healing an inguinal hernia, read a bunch of books and tons of articles, posts etc. on the matter, listened to hours worth of podcasts and watched many, many videos on the subject too and learned a lot about it. None of it was in vain, everything has helped me - also in relation to other areas of my life. ๐Ÿ˜Š๏ธ

Unfortunately, it is really anything but trivial to heal an inguinal hernia by the very nature of the injury. This is because the permanently prevailing pressure of the organs keeps the fracture practically open at all time (except when laying down or being submerged in a large body of water).

In principle, the following factors can be understood as some of the main causes for the occurrence of an inguinal hernia:

  1. Weakness in the lower abdomen
  2. Poor pelvic posture
  3. Diet causing inflammation
  4. Poor mobility in the hips
  5. Unconscious stress

I can identify every single point on this list as applicable to me when I look back at my previous lifestyle and state. ๐Ÿ˜ž๏ธ

I have worked intensively on all of these points throughout the years and have made various, sometimes extreme, attempts to fix them. Currently I wear a hernia belt every minute I am out of bed.

Despite many improvements (again, nothing is in vain), I have not yet succeeded at healing the hernia which is of course at times very, very challenging (and frustrating too). ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๏ธ ๐Ÿ˜ค๏ธ

The following are two of the most popular hernia repair methods that would be available to me in hospitals around the world today.

I would like to add that I am making these descriptions based on my experience and my own research. I am not an expert. Therefore, please forgive any mistakes or enlighten me accordingly. โ˜บ๏ธ

A) Total extra peritoneal mesh implantation

From my own experience (as I was operated on with that method at the age of 13) I know that this method comes in many cases with severe post operative pain. It is also not a permanent solution for many thus has a high recurrence rate. For some patients it triggers chronic inflammation through a strong immune defense to reject the implanted mesh. It is considered the standard method these days. Maybe most importantly (at least to me), it permanently impedes the natural functions of the body's core by sutured together normally freely moving, superimposed layers of tissue. ๐Ÿ˜ณ๏ธ

B) Endoscopic procedure

To my knowledge this is the superior method of the two in which the individual layers of tissues are sutured separately (without mesh and without impeding the natural functions of the body's core). This method has a significantly lower recurrence rate too, but by its very nature carries other other risks, including infertility due to damage to the vas deferens and phantom pain due to nerve damage, among a hand full of others "side-effects".

Am I doing the right thing?

"I came so far already and I really want to give my body the space and support it needs to heal this hernia by itself, at its own pace and in its own sacred way."

On a normal day, the hernia only affects me in situations where I put a lot of strain on my body. Activities that put moderate strain on the body are no problem for me. What is unpleasant, however, is that I have to wear the hernia belt all the time. On some days I must keep it very tight which makes it even more uncomfortable.

I can't and don't want to get used to not being able to do everything "out of the norm". I want to dance, run, be wild, be physically active, ride the mountain bike on a trail, jump from cliffs, hike, work on projects around the house and in the garden etc. And I want to do all of this without having to constantly be afraid that my intestines could push through the abdominal wall any moment. ๐Ÿ˜”๏ธ

Yes, there are days when I'm really tired of having to deal with this situation! ๐Ÿ˜ค๏ธ

And yes, I really don't want to go the surgical route if there is any chance of letting my body heal this in a more divine, a better manner. ๐Ÿ˜‡๏ธ

And I'm usually so balanced that I simply focus on the good parts of my life (and there really are plenty of those). ๐Ÿฅณ๏ธ

I came so far already and I really want to give my body the space and support it needs to heal this hernia by itself, at its own pace and in its own sacred way. ๐Ÿ˜‡๏ธ

The conventional opinion, however, is that the body can't do this on its own after all, and sometimes I must confess that I am not so sure that it can myself. In any case, I haven't given up yet. ๐Ÿ˜‡๏ธ

And, the hernia in conjunction with my desire to heal it without surgery was the initial motivation for starting the 60-day juice fast which brought with it so many other wonderful benefits for me.

Without the hernia I would have never had the strength to enduldge on such an extreme mission, practicing the urine therapy for 4 hours every day (which was the main reason behind my drastic weight loss by the way) and drinking only double filtrated juices for 60 days in a row, zero exceptions. ๐ŸŒŸ๏ธ

I really enjoyed making the juices and being creative, trying all kinds of fruit and vegetable blends. ๐Ÿ˜‹๏ธ

I also enjoyed the rigorous practice of the urine therapy (mainly due to the extensive knowledge and preparation my wife shared with me and did for me). ๐Ÿฅฐ๏ธ It was truly magical to experience its true potential, literarily helping me shedding of kilos of weight on a daily basis. ๐Ÿ˜๏ธ It was absolutely astonishing to witness the rapid change my body went through.

And never before did I find myself more beautiful than today, after that process. ๐Ÿ˜๏ธ

So, what's next?

"Trusting my body and being happy."

At the moment I continue to focus on:

  1. Trusting my body and being happy.
  2. Further strengthening my core muscles through a set of specific exercises.
  3. Further improve my posture by strengthening the muscles mainly used for breathing as well as by walking barefoot (ball walking naturally improves the pelvic posture).
  4. Further reduce inflammation in my body through my diet.
  5. Promote flexibility in my body through walking, cycling and swimming.
  6. Further reduce stress through meditation and positive thinking.

Thanks for being on this journey with me. ๐Ÿฅฐ๏ธ

I look forward to hearing from you, should you have any questions or inputs! ๐Ÿค—๏ธ

2023-06-28 (amadeus)